Serinity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity

to accept the things that I cannot change;

Courage to change the things that I can;

and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Give me the courage to Love with an open heart.

I want to Love with an open heart.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world;

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this Life;

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen

Reinhold Niebuhr (1892 - 1971)

Compositions of a Broken Winged Angel

I enclosed myself in-between my pretty broken wings, the cracks of my soul escaping between the crumbling pieces. Trying to be intact so my wounds could be healed and my soul returned to me. Nothing cuts deep as loss, for with loss you also loose love. I opened my heart for all humanity to see, two faced as it told stories of joy and pain.

I made room for mankind and a seed was planted on unfertile grounds, depriving it of growth for no man could water this seed. I took a step, de-planted the seed for the rain dancer had escaped to the hills, to hide from her fruitless pursuits to nourish the lands. Dry soil, dry soul, even my tears could not further your growth.

Then you came to me one night, as an angel whose wings I had plucked. You whispered in my ear 'I now reside in your soul, my pretty shattered wings will forever be inked on your back. My breath is now one with your shadow'. I looked into the universe above, shed tears that never touched the ground and said a prayer for you. The answer drifted, You are me, I am you.

I pointed my pen to the moon, and it gave me starts to guide my steps. I filled the air thick with the scent of ink, and the wind whispered my name. I summoned the heat of the sun and it glazed my skin with with wings of fire to lift me out of Lucifer's lair.

I kissed the universe and light years away a galaxy was born. I transcended gravity-less into space, and the heavens became my pedestal. I gave God my hand and the angels belowed in melodies that wrote on the devils skin. I looked destiny in the eye, and fate became my third I.

Writings of your name sit invisibly on my walls. My screams, calling out your name for I need refuge are muffled out by pride. Day in, day out, the mornings call out your name. Night in, night out, I hear your voice speaking in toungues and cease to listen. Your confused face at the beatings I subject you to haunt my twisted dreams. The questions you silently ask me, masked by your grace and care towards me. I confuse myself as I love you, yet hate you for you read my mind and feed on my thoughts. I sink and shy away everyday as you become my souls carrier and my hearts keeper. And in the madness I yearn for you kiss, to write my wrongs and make everything all write.

I write of a soul.
I write of a man.
I write of a mind.
I write of a heart.
I write of a dream.

I write because pens make way to hearts and ink never fades. I refuse to speak for voices are forgotten and humans cease to listen. I open up my heart for all mankind to see... And take a bow as mankind looks at me with wonder.

Eternal Sleepers- A silent chant to the other side

Eyes do not have to be closed, to signal that death has come once again to claim it's victim. I have always associated "I close my eyes, unaware that I will never see the light of day again" with death. But it has recently dawned on me that not all of us will die with our eyes closed. So I lie perfectly still, and imagine your last breath. What did you see, what were you thinking just before you lost all ability to function, whose voice did you last hear, did you imagine tomorrow will never come.

But, what am I doing? I cannot begin to understand what happens just before life leaves a body. I have not died before, and even those who say they almost died, it cannot be the same. Out of body experiences, heart resuscitated and shocked back into beating, God (or whoever) deciding to grant you another chance to live, yada yada. It cannot be the same as death itself. So please, stop trying to make me understand what death is, what death feels like, or what happens after death. We all do not know, but there is joy in imagining, right?


Umh, no, wrong. But why does the absence of life seem so...perfect...afterwards. I mean, the person dies, and nothing. The absence of all things, for them, as per my imagining. Then we who are alive are left weeping, throwing ourselves on the floor stricken with grief, we prepare to eternally hide the corpse, we ask why? It's all quite interesting actually, quite an act, though sincere at most time. Why cant it be different. Well because we are human, and there is no other way to do it.



So I woke up this morning, and I had a chant, an ode, to all those that lost their lives. By breath simply leaving their body, by old age, by tragedy, by illness, by their own hand, by somebody else's hand...by death:

A silent chant to the other side

I imagine a clear stream trickling down, sun glisterning, reflections of light...

You look my way, the glare is caught in your eyes. I have never noticed that your eyes have streaks of gold and dark brown when light enters them...why do I see this only now?

A swift wind brushes against my skin, wow the air smells so clean...

I know you are there, but you keep escaping my view like an angel who does not want to be discovered...

I am so uneasy, but the sound of the wind whooshing and dancing inbetween the grass hypnotizes me...the water trickling down the rocks...fixating.

She is here, I know she is...I can hear her voice.

Move, do something, why is my body so stiff?

Suddenly all becomes dark, but the feeling remains...

The sounds so clear in my ear, my minds paints it's own pictures.

"Mother I miss you, Dad why did you leave, Grandma I need you, Oh God why did you take my baby away, Life is so painful without you, But he was alive just a second ago, I will never forget your smile, My heart bleeds for you Love of my life..."

The mingled conversations snap me out of this trance...

The darkness slips away and sorrow overcomes me.

I see faces, places, pictures, memories, playing out, I swear all of them are not mine.

I try to push the thoughts of you back into my head, but human pain overcomes me...

But this is my head, my dream, or is it a reality.

What are all these people doing here, please leave me alone...

Echoes of my plea reverberate and dissapear into nothingness.

A blinding light, silence, clear whiteness..

A figure approaches...

It's you.

Pain...you tell me it will forever reside in me.

I start to cry...you tell me my tears wash your spirit new every time.

A look of dissapointment...you say that is the same look you had when you realised you could not live anymore.

But why...it was time.

It was soon...it was the right time.

I miss you...not more than I miss you.

I need you...I am here always.

Just to touch you...everytime you come here, I am holding you.

Am I dreaming?

Yes, wake up.

I walk out of my room, barefeet, and go outside. The air is cold, it stings my wet face. I look into the sky, the stars unclear and fall on my knees...

Exhausted, emotionally, mentally...

Visitations of the dead...

Death is merely the absence of Life.

Vincent van Gogh - Starry night (image)

Love finds you indeed, when you are not looking...

Today is one of those days, where everything around me seems to have a piece of you in it.

I released a laugh this morning, as I used your towel to dry myself, not because I wanted to do it like you, but because at that moment I imagined you doing it, and then played it out.

Rides to work seem empty, with your voice echoing in my head as I recall the conversations we have had.

But why do I Love this man, I think.
First answer is, it's impossible not to Love you, you are everthing to Love.

But why Sindie, what is it about him that makes you Love with no boundaries?

My mind (soul, I don't know exactly what is speaking to me) laughs and says, It's because he is God's reflection of your ability to Love.

As the driver talks and makes his way to work, I am completely lost in my thoughts. Thoughts of you fill my head. You make me want to write Love filled poems, pages and pages of it.

I never write about Love, I used to be so bitter towards it. I failed it so many times, that instead of blaming myself, I blamed Love itself. Oh what a selfish thing to do, for Love does not change, people change.

Then he came, and shook the hell out of me and in the process showed me Love.

This is how He makes me feel:

If ever there is a man who Loves me completely, it shows in every way possible, it has to be You!

Sincere when you look at me, Sensitive when you touch me.

Soothing when you speak to me, Sensational when you kiss me.

Colour explodes from deep inside me, sends shades that paint me with sweet smelling colour filled scents of Love.

Colour!

But why put it that way?

Because at this very moment, and explosion of colour is what you are to me.

You came in and painted my Life Alive! Gosh! Now I Live. Apart from Living without you, I Live in the thought of having you.

He holds my hand, I swear he wants everbody to know This is Love.

I wriggle my hands out of his, uncomfortable, I am not used to public displays of affection.

Hahahaha do you think my man stops? He then wraps his arms around my waist, if not my neck. I have to get used to this, I tell myself as I watch time go to a standstill.

This man Loves me, he really does.

It's in the way he holds me, how he touches me, how he talks to me, how he watches me, how he listens when I talk, how he laughs even when I am not funny, how he is always taking photo's of me in my sometimes crazy poses, in how he watches me sleeping...

I pray...

I whisper prayers everyday for us.

I pray I Live for you, I pray I Live with you.

I pray you hold me fastened to your heart, I pray I never hurt you.

I pray you never stop smiling at me, I pray sincerity never leaves you.

I pray we Live to walk down the isle, with God as our Witness.

I pray I Live to give birth to your Seed(s).

I pray we never part, I pray I never stop Loving you.

For it is clear to me, you are part of God's plan for my Life.

I want the whole world to know, a good man has found me, and I Love him!

Try something new!

So, why do we Live?
We are concieved, born, grow up, go to school, start working, make friends, grow old
then die, right?
Well, yes, but why does it have to be completely like that, order and all?

See, I think living is more than just living.
They say that you Live once, so Live everyday
like it is your last.
We say, what is Life if you cannot mess up everything, even the natural order of it.
Benjamin Button did it, he was born an old man, and lived his life in reverse, then died a baby!
Weird I know, but the concept fascinates me.

So in my road to a fulfiling Life, I sternly believe that trying out new things is very
important. Expand your horizons for Gawd's sake.
Live a little, take those things that make you shy and do them.
Experience life as it is supposed to be, eventful.

Guess what, all these years I have been despising manicures! My friends and

family know that I want nothing to do with them, period. I cannot grasp the concept.
And yes, as you might have guessed, I was not talking from experience.
I just judged it, no need for me to know.
Then this happened!
Voila!

Shocking, I know.

But I decided to Live a little, do something I have never tried before.

Just because I can.

I did it, I just told that lady to give me a manicure, and she did.

OOOOOOhhhhhhh my hands look much better, even if I have to say so myself!

I love water, I really do, especially sea water. I waddle around at the beach a lot.

I have a secret though, I cannot swim, and I avoid pools by all means possible.

Becasue obviously I will drown!

I heard my friends boyfriend say hes going swimming, and without thinking of it, grabbed my swimsuit! I will cross the bridge when I get there is what I told myself.

Cross that bridge I did, found myself inside a pool, trying to swim.

Almost drowned, but hey, I tried. I did something that scares me, plus it was new. I have never swam in a pool before.

So what I am trying to say is, Live a little!

It does not hurt to try something new, exciting, and scary.

It is amazing the amount of fulfiment and happiness you get from doing it.

Make that fantasy of yours come true, go bunjee jumping, do whatever, Live!

After all, you only have one Life, and honey you are not growing any younger.

Go on tiger, knock em' dead!

Re-Awakening...

So, this guy on Facebook reminds me that I have a blog, and that I have not blogged in such a long time! I was shocked! Not because he noticed, but because I had forgoted about one of the most important things I do with my time, writing!

Trust that I have good reasons for being so scarce, I was going through very hard times. When they say life has seasons, trust that they are right! It was my season of suffering, I withstood the storm and found myself in sunshine again. After almost a year of challenges, trials, falls, pain, and tears back and forth.

If you think being unemployed is hard, try being unemployed and surviving in Joburg. With no income, no home, no family, no friends (except one) and no food. I went through it all! One will ask me, but why did you not just pack your bags and go home? The answer is: It was not time yet.

I knew it, my family knew it, my boyfriend and best friend knew it. They wondered everyday why I kept holding on to this idea, and I told them that I am no ordinary human being, failure does not make up part of my composition, and they best believe!

Out of that time, the biggest lesson that I learnt was that, God answers all our prayers! No question about it! I found strength that I did not know I possessed, I became focused, composed and hungry to be the best that I can be. I found friends, in the most unlikely of people, I found additional love in people who loved me anyway. I found this Angel, whom I have known for ten years, who wasnt my biggest friend, but she opened up her life for me. She gave me a home, she loved me, she gave me food, she gave me an emotional refuge, she gave me herself. My friend!

I have been re-awakened!

Come on this journey with me, a new journey...

Word Cup Xperience

We bid for it, we won the bid. We prepared for it, we were on track with most of the infrastructer. We prepared to host, we are looking successful in hosting it!

Ke Nako! Tis time!

Honestly, I was not interested in the Soccer World Cup, well err not until I got a job to intern at the Fifa Fan Festivals in Sandton.

Then it hit me, Philip was here, I felt him.

Just three days before kick off.

I started my hasty collection of W/C memorabilia, my room is looking good I must say.

I came, I am seeing, looking forward to conquering.

I have met so many new people, making unlikely friends and foes, shouting at the top of my voice, rolling on the grass, blowing the Vuvuzela, and well, I'l admit, perving these cute international (and national) brothers.

So, though this experience is still happening, its only been seven days, I look forward to the days to follo, because it is going to be awesome!

Here's some pictures....

unfortunately, None of my pictures want to upload. So till next time!