Showing posts with label personal thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal thoughts. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

At Twenty Five

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day I was born. On a Thursday in 1988, around 10:00 a.m. all 3.5kg's of Nolusindiso Noqayi gasped the first of many breaths on earth. The first born, an heir (until my baby brother was born) and a stubborn piece of mum and dad made her way into this thing called Life.

Anyway, I am not here to be poetic about that. I had a great day. My colleagues spoiled me with gifts (well two) and some cupcakes. It was a joyous affair and I am glad I cancelled my annual leave and came to work instead. It was so great my face was sore from smiling.

I thank everyone that made my day very special, I appreciate the love.

P.s...this is what I wore.


By the way, did I introduce you to my new hairstyle? Yes? No? Ok, here it is


Sindz

Monday, January 14, 2013

To Lost Loves

Death is so final.

One moment you were here, then next moment all life gone from your body.
I cannot begin to understand the transition from life to living no more.
I try to make sense of it in my head, and nothing but finality exists.
A body that carried so much life reduced to nothing.
When breath parts and death starts.

Death's mark lives in the dreams that will never be fulfilled.
It is evident in the plans made that will never come to pass.
It is etched in our lives because everyday you no longer exist.
Death is always near because no day goes by without a thought of you.

Tragedy is life without you.
Loss is life without your voice.
Turmoil is life's milestones without you to witness.
Emptiness is going through life with your memory rusting to nothing everyday.

When death visits, and its poisonous words spoken...
A part of me leaves with it.
I cry because life will go on and things will fall back into place.
It will be like you were never present, merely a part that only lives in my heart (memory).

I am left to marvel at my memories that have you in it.
The hot summer days as kids we spent swimming in the blue pools in-front of your grans house,
The nights you would fight to sleep next to me, or sit next to me.
Your sweet face looking trustingly up to me as we crossed the road.
The silly fights you would have with my little sister.
I remember the young and mature lady you had grown into,
So beautiful your face caught my breath every-time.
Your laughter and the love that always was carried in your demeanor.

Not a day goes by without thinking of you.
Your beautiful face, radiant smile..
I remember how you used to share your wisdom with me.
In our younger years how you used to cheat me out of my food.
I remember how you used to introduce us to the latest technology...
How can I forget the semester trips to drop you off at university.
Oh my sister, and the day you got married.

Two lives that will never be, presence to never be felt again.
I ache at the loss of you in my life, so abrupt, both your lives cut so short.
Zenande, my heart.
Siviwe, my everything.

I miss you, life is not the same without you.
Lalani ngoxolo maMfene amahle, boLisa, boJambase.
Side sibuye sihlangane, ndohlala ndinithanda.

Monday, September 10, 2012

The importance of acceptance

One of the things that will always be inevitable is failure. To get to where we want to be, failure plays a huge part in carving the way. I have always been one who does not accept failing, because I believed I am incapable of failing completely. I believed that when I come to a harsh bend, I can always revert and find other ways of reaching my destination. So this has worked for me, for a very long time it has worked. I have never failed a grade, I have never failed in university, I have never failed in my ambitions (though these are and have taken time), but today instead of taking the road I mostly know, I admit FAILURE.

I failed to love without condition, without doubt, without judgement, and with peace. The details of my relationship really have nothing to do with this, me and my partner have been very happy together. The biggest issue is ME and my inability to have found a better way to love. I became all I ever feared of becoming before I committed myself to someone. I always had a fantasy in mind that because of my carefree past, I would be well prepared for a give-all future. Little did I know that give-all meant I was unable to be peaceful.

They say the things we go through in our pasts shape our today. I have had my fair share of disappointments, but I do wonder what shaped my inability to love completely. My mother and father are a good example of love that persevered and I have been surrounded by love all my life. And yet I have failed to be a great partner. I do not know how to love. I do not know how to be peaceful and I do not know how to live with a clear mind. I am doubtful, a deep pessimist and being alone for me is what I think answers all my problems. Since I do not know how why should I hurt others with my inadequacies?

I posted about finding love almost two years ago. I am not one to go public with my relationships, but what I found was beautiful. It still is, just that it has been tainted by so much that I can never change about myself. If I could take blame for anything, I would take blame for bringing misery to a dear man's life. It is not written anywhere how to do this love thing, but I know the way I am doing it is no way to love anyone. Why do I even call it love?

After everything I have gone through, and everything I have put my partner through, I lay down my weapons and stop fighting. I fear the unknown. I know I have to change, but I don't know if I can change. I have tried a million times, and I still surface the monster I have always been. I have no doubt in my mind that I am capable of being a better lover, a better friend, a better companion, a better sister, a better daughter. But I think I don't love myself enough to be better yet.

I look into other women's faces and wonder how they deal with their demons. I wonder how they love, how they are content with what they have, how they get over self doubt and self pity. I wonder how a man decided to marry them, how they got over being hurt, their pasts and moved on to a glorious now. I wonder if they have ever gone through the demons I face everyday, or if their demons are worse than mine. I often wish I could reach out to them and learn how to look as happy as they do. Clearly they are coping. I want them to share their stories with me, and teach me how to be better.

I cannot hide from my failure, unfortunately. And I will have to look into my partners eyes and wonder how he ever got to love a person like me. I will wake up next to him for the time that we have left, and I will wonder how our love would have been if I was a better person. I will one day learn how to be Love. The importance of accepting that I have failed is that I will now look at ways to succeed, even if it takes me a lifetime. We all know, the heart is no simple thing.

My heart bleeds
StreetSindz

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A different Revolution

About a week back on June 16th, South Africa celebrated 36 years since the popularized and respected youth uprising that happened in Soweto (and later other parts of South Africa). A day that started off as a normal day for many students who were involved, ended up a brutal slaying of young and old, an etching of the youth struggle into the minds of future generations and a ripple in the waves of the butterfly effect that liberated South Africans.

The march was planned by SRC's and was intended to be a peaceful demonstration and the students were to march from school to school picking up fellow students, and meeting at a central point in Orlando Stadium. A plan that was never fully realized. Tsietsi Mashinini, one of the instrumental leaders in the fight for freedom and one of the organizers, addressed the students in a plea to keep them calm after reports that police were coming. If this were a movie, one would know that trouble was brewing and lives would be changed. The rest as they say is history. Many have reported the happenings thereafter, and how many students and people were killed and injured. As history has come to tell us, 12 year old Hector Peterson's death is the symbol of the Youth Uprising and the picture of his death reminds us of what it meant to be a young, black person living in the apartheid era. And as history has come to forget, 15 year old Hastings Ndlovu, the first student to be shot who died much later in hospital from a bullet wound to the head.

Fast forward to 2012.

Today we live in a democratic society. So much has changed and so much more has stayed the same. We are challenged with unemployment, inadequate or lack of education, a steep living standard, lack of affordability, poverty, impoverishment, and most tragically lack of knowledge or lack of desire to seek knowledge amongst other things. The rate of crime increases every day as the youth seem to teach themselves that survival means taking (life) from another, not working to receive. This is not helped by the fact that the same youth are educated, but unemployed. We get told that in order to succeed, we have to be educated. Yet we sit at home, day to day, watching the years go by and nothing comes of that education. Anyway, this is not the point I am trying to get to.

If you observe social networks and read what the country's young 'thought leaders' have to say, you will pick up a trend. I observe such medium, dominantly Twitter where even the voiceless clearly have a voice. The trend I have picked up is that most of them seem to be asking themselves (in turn us spectators) what our revolution will be. What will we be remembered for? What will be written in history books about us? What wars will we win? What systems are we going to change? How much blood will we shed in order to be legendary? And the like...

Now I don't have a problem much with these questions per se, because they are valid questions. My problem is the pressure to repeat history that they seem to invoke. Why is there a demand for history makers and so called philosophers? I doubt the people in our history planned to make history. History cannot be planned, it happens by itself. And considering that we are living in the present, we should not be worrying ourselves about what kind of history we are going to leave behind. The future people will decide on what to take and what to leave out of our generation.

However, each person in their own capacity should strive to be historic. No, not all of us are politically inclined, not all of us will join the military, or get to invent life changing products and services. The people who fall into this category will make their own contribution to history books, but not all of them will make it. Also, being historic is not only based on challenges and struggles. Musicians, filmmakers, designers, actors, doctors, prostitutes, drug-lords make it into history books too. So do you see why I say that each person should in their own capacity strive to be historic. Our thought leaders should stop pressuring us into a wrong kind of revolution, they should be recognizing the evolutionary in all of us, and strive to nurture that.

History does not have to be tragic, it can be beautiful, enlightening, fun, insightful, trendsetting, motivating in ways never seen before. But we all have to recognize the need for each of us to spend intimate time learning the history of those before us. Because in order for us to understand ourselves as people, we should understand how it is that we became what we are as a country today. Some of this knowledge is hidden to the average person, because it is so powerful that it would elevate us as a people to extreme hights. But seeking it and exhausting all information sources will change your life. Guaranteed!

Unfortunately, we are distracted. Our time is filled with technology, social networking, socialism and little things that ensure that we have no time to seek knowledge. Try find how many young people have reading as their hobby today, find out how many of the read proper newspapers, find out how many of them understand consciousness. They exist, but a large number of young people have YOLO motto's, want an ass like Nicki Minaj's and wanna be bad girls like Rihanna and have no idea that book stores exists, debate teams, creative hubs and public speaking platforms.

I want to make history, even if that history means a legacy for my future children and stories that get passed on from generation to generation. I am not going to be a politician, I am not a philosopher, I will not be fighting for a better South Africa for all, or any of those things. I am, however, going to do what I love doing. I am going to perfect my craft, and through that, my history will be made.

signing out...
StreetSindz

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

It can get a bit too much

I would boast if I could, that I don't know what depression feels like, or frustration for that matter. Until I took time to actually think about it, and I realised that every human being can get depressed and we all infact know exactly what it feels like. Fortunately, there are different kinds and I guess I fall under the umbrella of those who don't get extreme cases of depression or frustration. However, today my heart is very heavy. My mood is fine, but I have a lot on my mind. Actually I have too much on my mind and an escape would be appreciated, thank you very much.

First of all I feel trapped! I know for a fact that I am not supposed to be where I am, I know I am not supposed to stay where I do, I know I am not supposed to wake up every morning for what I do, I know! So I wonder why God put me here. Because honestly, if there are life long lessons I am supposed to learn, its not happening much. I am just unhappy with this part of my life. The choices I made obviously put me where I am today, but I have every reason to believe that in some of the choices I make, there was no other choice. It is either I took it, or I left it. And taking it, as we all know, always comes first in the game of trying to survive.

I imagined (when I was growing up) a life different to what I am living. A job that would enable me to travel, to write, to create, to have encounters with creative people, a job that would enable me to do the things I love doing. But no, when you grow older, you realise that good things only happen to certain people and that most of us are stuck in jobs we hate (even white and indian people, not just blacks) and the only thing keeping us from quitting is because bills don't pay themselves.

I do, however, think that I still have a chance to be one of the certain people good things happen to. What I always fail to realise is that those certain people (well some of them) were right where I am at some point in their lives. I do not want to compare myself to any of them (or anyone for that matter), but indeed they were here (maybe not lucky enough to have a blog so they can vent). But the truth of the matter is, before light rises darkness has to finish lifting. I am at the lifting stage, but I am tired damnit!!!

I am studying, I am working, I do not see my family often and twice a year is the best I get, I don't get to socialise, I am constantly stuck between the office, school and my house. I am unhappy. Very much so. But I am glad to say that most times, I am happy (thank you baby). But unhappiness feels heavier, therefore prevails at this point. I don't trust anyone (no really), people have shown me flames. Maybe the things I go through are not as bad as the ones you go through, but I have my fair share of blazes.

But I am a good person. I have an optimism for other people that I lack for myself. When people I know are down, I do my best to lift them up. I am supportive, I care, I give of myself whole heartedly. I am not selfish, yes I have a bad temper, but I am not selfish. There is so much good in me. And NO, I am not trying to convince you of this. If you know me, you know. Just thinking about making someone else's life better makes me happy. So tell me, where are the rest of the people who are exactly like me? Why have I not come across much? And mind you, if I do, they mostly do not stick around. So is there something wrong with me? NO, there isn't.

Life can get overwhelming. I am overwhelmed and I need my wake up and rise moment to come soon. I am destined for so much, that the little I have now is an understatement of what I am going to be (I know we all think this, but honestly its not true of many of us). I know I will not be happy always, but let me be unhappy in the job I love doing, in the home I want to live in (with my future puppy) and with this qualification (and more) that I am working towards.

signing out...
StreetSindz

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Goodbye April! Hello May!

May is a special month in my family. We celebrate Mother's Day on Sunday the 13th, my baby brother's birthday on Saturday the 12th (he was born on Mother's Day 2006) and my little sister's birthday on Monday the 21st. Happiness all around neh? Pity I cannot be home for the former two, nor at my sisters place for hers, but it is joyous anyway. Looking forward to the smiles, joys, challenges and experiences that May is going to bring.

And April is over! Whoa that was quick. Wasn't it just yesterday when I was excited about starting my April Photo A Day series? It feels like it, wow time is surely on some mission. Anyway, I did my best to fulfill all the obligations of doing a series, and as much as I failed, I succeeded too. I did so much and I enjoyed every single one of those days, going around taking photo's, conceptualizing in my mind and being generally excited about it. It was fun and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. If you have any suggestions on what I can blog about in future, you can drop me a comment (:

So to close April off, I wanted to share a few other Photo a Day moments but ran out of time. Only to realise that my problem with uploading pictures is still very much active, two weeks later. So this has definitely put a strain on my blogging abilities, somehow its more fun to blog with pictures to accompany. It brings the story to life! So I will contact relevant IT people and hopefully get this problem fixed.

In the meantime, I would love to interact with you, my readers. But this hasn't happened as yet. But I don't see why I should not try! So how are you? What things interest you this week. Lets talk (on my comments section) (:

xoxo
StreetSindz



Thursday, April 26, 2012

Photo of the day: On hold

Hey sweeties

Our internet service has been slow for the past two days, so when I try and upload my photo a day, it does not come out properly. It comes out something like this:

bleh!

This considered, means that I will not be able to post anything image related until sometime next week (hopefully on Monday). For my international readers, tomorrow in South Africa is a Public Holiday (April 27th) Freedom day. And on Tuesday next week another one (May 1st) is Workers Day. We have had so many holidays between March - April and May. Rest assured we loved it! So many days to rest inbetween and catch up with life.

I would love to have a write up, particularly about Freedom day. So when I have lots of time (inbetween my crazy deadlines) I will do some research and post it up here. I cannot be bombarding you guys with pictures alone, my Journalism Diploma has to be good for something (:.

A big thank you to YOU:
I would like to thank everyone who comes to view my blog, whether its for one of my posts (I have realised that the Serena Van Der Woodsen post drives traffic to my blog internationally) or because you know me and are genuinely interested in my art. I love you! The love you give my blog is amazing. I may not have hundreds of followers or thousands of page views per day, but that one effort to click and access my blog, overwhelms me. THANK YOU!

xoxo
StreetSindz


Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Hold up! Let me catch my breath...

Its been crazy out here! No I mean really crazy. I have not had time to blog, nor even think around the things I could post for my 'Photo a day' theme. I am five days behind and I look at that list and go WTF?! Its been work, its been school, its been my life. I feel confused and overwhelmed on most days, if not down, depressed and wanting to scream. But I manage to keep a straight face when I am around people. After all the lesson from my parents that even when I am very hungry and there is no food at home, the whole world does not need to know. I must clean myself up, apply Vaseline on my dry whitened lips and walk out there with my head held up high.

This has been a lesson, even though hard, that has been applied to many areas of my life. When my relationships are at an all time low and I hurt tremendously inside, I still face the world with a brave face and wonder if anyone can see through it. Even when I have no money in my pocket and my bank account, and I watch people going around wasting money. I smile right through it, and encourage them to enjoy their riches. Even when I cannot stand a day at work, I remember the contract I signed and my responsibility to a student out there who does not even know I exist, and I work hard.

I have so much more to say, but knowing myself, I might just tell you all my deepest and darkest secrets. But I will tell you, I want to be happy! I want to be happy all the time. I want to be successful, I want to reap the rewards of all that I have invested in life. I want to make people around me smile, make them happy. I want to be important, all the time. I want to be the only girl in his heart. I want to have friends I can count on, always. I want loyalty. I want faith. I want to dream and not fear my dreams. I want my mum and dad to see the dreams they have for me and my siblings. I want to have a child, who looks like me and his/ her father. I want to love him forever. I want to take walks at the beach, and lie in the sand. I want to travel and see the world. I want to stay faithful to that which my heart decides on. I want to be free from the consequences of people's actions. I want to change, be a better person everyday. I want LoveLoveLove, deep Love. I want to be (un)selfish. I want to be considerate. I want people to treat me the way that I treat them. I want to be considered. I want to be held high by someone. I want someone to be faithful to me always, never tiring. I want to be understood, I want to learn. I want to experience the beauty (and ugliness) of life. I want to stay young.

I want to live, forever.

StreetSindz