One of the things that will always be inevitable is failure. To get to where we want to be, failure plays a huge part in carving the way. I have always been one who does not accept failing, because I believed I am incapable of failing completely. I believed that when I come to a harsh bend, I can always revert and find other ways of reaching my destination. So this has worked for me, for a very long time it has worked. I have never failed a grade, I have never failed in university, I have never failed in my ambitions (though these are and have taken time), but today instead of taking the road I mostly know, I admit FAILURE.
I failed to love without condition, without doubt, without judgement, and with peace. The details of my relationship really have nothing to do with this, me and my partner have been very happy together. The biggest issue is ME and my inability to have found a better way to love. I became all I ever feared of becoming before I committed myself to someone. I always had a fantasy in mind that because of my carefree past, I would be well prepared for a give-all future. Little did I know that give-all meant I was unable to be peaceful.
They say the things we go through in our pasts shape our today. I have had my fair share of disappointments, but I do wonder what shaped my inability to love completely. My mother and father are a good example of love that persevered and I have been surrounded by love all my life. And yet I have failed to be a great partner. I do not know how to love. I do not know how to be peaceful and I do not know how to live with a clear mind. I am doubtful, a deep pessimist and being alone for me is what I think answers all my problems. Since I do not know how why should I hurt others with my inadequacies?
I posted about finding love almost two years ago. I am not one to go public with my relationships, but what I found was beautiful. It still is, just that it has been tainted by so much that I can never change about myself. If I could take blame for anything, I would take blame for bringing misery to a dear man's life. It is not written anywhere how to do this love thing, but I know the way I am doing it is no way to love anyone. Why do I even call it love?
After everything I have gone through, and everything I have put my partner through, I lay down my weapons and stop fighting. I fear the unknown. I know I have to change, but I don't know if I can change. I have tried a million times, and I still surface the monster I have always been. I have no doubt in my mind that I am capable of being a better lover, a better friend, a better companion, a better sister, a better daughter. But I think I don't love myself enough to be better yet.
I look into other women's faces and wonder how they deal with their demons. I wonder how they love, how they are content with what they have, how they get over self doubt and self pity. I wonder how a man decided to marry them, how they got over being hurt, their pasts and moved on to a glorious now. I wonder if they have ever gone through the demons I face everyday, or if their demons are worse than mine. I often wish I could reach out to them and learn how to look as happy as they do. Clearly they are coping. I want them to share their stories with me, and teach me how to be better.
I cannot hide from my failure, unfortunately. And I will have to look into my partners eyes and wonder how he ever got to love a person like me. I will wake up next to him for the time that we have left, and I will wonder how our love would have been if I was a better person. I will one day learn how to be Love. The importance of accepting that I have failed is that I will now look at ways to succeed, even if it takes me a lifetime. We all know, the heart is no simple thing.
My heart bleeds