I would boast if I could, that I don't know what depression feels like, or frustration for that matter. Until I took time to actually think about it, and I realised that every human being can get depressed and we all infact know exactly what it feels like. Fortunately, there are different kinds and I guess I fall under the umbrella of those who don't get extreme cases of depression or frustration. However, today my heart is very heavy. My mood is fine, but I have a lot on my mind. Actually I have too much on my mind and an escape would be appreciated, thank you very much.
First of all I feel trapped! I know for a fact that I am not supposed to be where I am, I know I am not supposed to stay where I do, I know I am not supposed to wake up every morning for what I do, I know! So I wonder why God put me here. Because honestly, if there are life long lessons I am supposed to learn, its not happening much. I am just unhappy with this part of my life. The choices I made obviously put me where I am today, but I have every reason to believe that in some of the choices I make, there was no other choice. It is either I took it, or I left it. And taking it, as we all know, always comes first in the game of trying to survive.
I imagined (when I was growing up) a life different to what I am living. A job that would enable me to travel, to write, to create, to have encounters with creative people, a job that would enable me to do the things I love doing. But no, when you grow older, you realise that good things only happen to certain people and that most of us are stuck in jobs we hate (even white and indian people, not just blacks) and the only thing keeping us from quitting is because bills don't pay themselves.
I do, however, think that I still have a chance to be one of the certain people good things happen to. What I always fail to realise is that those certain people (well some of them) were right where I am at some point in their lives. I do not want to compare myself to any of them (or anyone for that matter), but indeed they were here (maybe not lucky enough to have a blog so they can vent). But the truth of the matter is, before light rises darkness has to finish lifting. I am at the lifting stage, but I am tired damnit!!!
I am studying, I am working, I do not see my family often and twice a year is the best I get, I don't get to socialise, I am constantly stuck between the office, school and my house. I am unhappy. Very much so. But I am glad to say that most times, I am happy (thank you baby). But unhappiness feels heavier, therefore prevails at this point. I don't trust anyone (no really), people have shown me flames. Maybe the things I go through are not as bad as the ones you go through, but I have my fair share of blazes.
But I am a good person. I have an optimism for other people that I lack for myself. When people I know are down, I do my best to lift them up. I am supportive, I care, I give of myself whole heartedly. I am not selfish, yes I have a bad temper, but I am not selfish. There is so much good in me. And NO, I am not trying to convince you of this. If you know me, you know. Just thinking about making someone else's life better makes me happy. So tell me, where are the rest of the people who are exactly like me? Why have I not come across much? And mind you, if I do, they mostly do not stick around. So is there something wrong with me? NO, there isn't.
Life can get overwhelming. I am overwhelmed and I need my wake up and rise moment to come soon. I am destined for so much, that the little I have now is an understatement of what I am going to be (I know we all think this, but honestly its not true of many of us). I know I will not be happy always, but let me be unhappy in the job I love doing, in the home I want to live in (with my future puppy) and with this qualification (and more) that I am working towards.